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| Emily and I, last weekend in NY |
Before
I had Emily, my vision of motherhood and parenthood went something like
this: Chris and I would be working parents, with 2-3 children, each
about two years apart in age. We would share our days over dinner, and
spend our evening doing homework and sharing bedtime stories. I would
give birth naturally, and nurse/pump at work. We would save money to pay
for college for each kid, and take yearly vacations to some place new
and exotic. We would have family portraits taken that reflected our
abundant joy.
It was a commercial. A cliche.
Chris
and I waited to have kids. We were married for several years before
deciding we were ready. We had a financial plan for me to be home for
about 6 months. I always felt strongly that while motherhood was great,
I also needed something else to define me (work). When we finally felt
we were ready, I expected to be pregnant in the blink of an eye. After
all, isn't that how it appears to happen?
Well
it didn't happen. And it took much longer than expected. Much longer
then planned. And once we were pregnant, it was about 4 months of bliss
in my fairy-tale cliche until Emily was diagnosed with spina bifida.
And
that's when all my plans changed. I spent the much of the remainder of
the pregnancy in a constant state of worry, stress, and sadness. We
delivered her via scheduled c-section in another state, at a hospital
600 miles away. She had 3 major surgeries in two different hospitals by
the time she was 20 days old. I thought her shunt was failing every
single day. A nurse was coming in the home to help us cath.
Emily wasn't latching on and I was failing at breastfeeding. I was a
new mom (scary enough), to a child who had a host of medical and
developmental challenges. We had no idea what her future looked like.
Everything that was familiar, like my relationship with Chris, was
different and unfamiliar. I felt like an outsider among other moms. We
lost friends and people who didn't know what to say or how to help. I
never returned to work. I didn't finish my last semester of graduate
work to earn my Master's in English.
Instead, and over time, I became someone new. Someone I hadn't planned on becoming. Someone better.
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| Emily, on her birthday, 12 hours after delivery. My first time seeing her since the delivery, and my first time touching her. |
I became Emily's mom.
I owe Emily for making me a Mommy, and giving me new perspective on Motherhood, and on life.
Motherhood is knowing what is best for your child and going to the
ends of the earth to achieve it. It is
learning you are stronger than you ever thought. Motherhood
is taking on roles you never knew
possible: a stay at home mom, a nurse, a doctor, a physical therapist,
an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, a researcher, a fighter, a
marathoner. It
is watching the strength of your own child with pure awe and amazement. Motherhood
is learning from your child, and becoming someone new because of your child. Motherhood is falling in love with a miracle. It is terribly heart wrenching, yet overwhelmingly
beautiful at the same time.
Motherhood is learning that perfection is subjective, and
what you once thought makes someone beautiful, does not. Motherhood is learning things that seem
important, like walking, are not what make
someone important. It is learning that
endurance, hard work, compassion, kindness, support, and encouragement are
things of true beauty and consequence.
Motherhood is seeing through your daughter’s eyes, what is important in
life and what is not.
Motherhood is an honor.
It is a blessing. It fills you
with is pride. It is looking in your
child’s eyes and seeing her soul.
Motherhood is knowing there is nothing more profound than the love you
have for your child.
Thank
you, Emily, for showing me the world through your eyes. It is a much
more loving, fascinating, beautiful place then I every could have
imagined.
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| Emily and with her Godmother, my sister, 1 week old at CHOP |
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| Chris, Emily at 17 days - the one day she was home her first month - and Chris' Mom |
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| 1.5 months old. Emily with my mom, and my Grammy, whom I miss dearly. |
